There was something in his eyes. A rare innocence, a touch of purity. They were untainted by the vices of this world. They could narrate a story, if u wished to know. The silence of his lips had so much to tell, only if one had time to hear.
I wondered if it was a boon or a curse, that people could know what u felt; …felt deep inside, just by looking into your eyes?
Then again, how many in the crowd had time to know? For most of us, Isn’t the pathos of this self righteous life so pronounced that the rest just lingers in the shadow? You may beg to differ, but justify the blindness of the human heart to the pain people bear. Explain why empathy turns a deaf ear to humane cries? I’m no saint or Mother Teresa, who had dedicated my life to the cause of social up liftmen. I’m just another girl, who was tired of running away from insanity!!
Hills have always fascinated me. The freshness of the morning dew… roads which disappeared in the clouds… the array of lights etched through its slopes... There’s no end to reasons, why hills mesmerized me so much. I had always dreamed of living my later years in the valleys… but strange as it may seem…the songs of the mt. birds do not cheer me up no more. The fragrance of the blossom, seemed just as unimportant as ‘usual’. The walk on the road is only tiring!
I had changed..and it was not unknown to me! They say time soothes everything…just that; none clarifies the fact that she only makes u her docile slave! All u do is ’know’, and that’s all! Never retaliate or question…just accept the fact that you are..what she has made you to be! I’m not negating the fact that I have made mistakes in my life, may be…a subtle effort to unburden the heavy load to another shoulder!
Negotiating my time with the pile of ‘to-be-corrected’ answer scripts, the aroma of tea always cheered me up. The slopes were famous for its tea, and somehow the local market did not disappoint to sell the decent blend. There were times when I envied foreigners, for the premium blend was only for exports and the locally badged “premium” felt distinctly unsatisfying, both to my taste and my mood. Time teaches you to adapt… I gave up the regular innocent whining, to adapt to a more reasonable disappointment!
I am a school teacher, and this is the period when kids rejoiced their vacations; and people like us scrutinized their annual progress. A never ending pile of carefully scripted words tried to summarize their knowledge…to which I wondered, if this was the best way to judge a child! But then, I don’t argue no more; just nod at the acceptance of the said pattern.
There are test sheets which make u feel proud at your efforts of educating kids, and then there are the ones which deserve their place only in the trash bin. And in my hand I held one of the later kinds. There’s an established grading pattern which I adhere to, when putting the marks on the scripts….but this bunch of papers annoyed me to the extent of pure disgust. There’s bluffing, and then there’s an effort to make sense…this particular sheet just failed to touch any logical explanation. It seemed just an arbitrary string of words… a rather haphazard arrangement of out of context thoughts.
The annoyance to such nonsense turned into a sudden unease and quietness, when I turned the pages to check the name. “ Aarshiya Bose” !!
She was my student; not the brightest or smartest of the lot..but the kinds who barely passed her grades. She was more on the rebel wild child side, and entire school authority failed to device a punishment that would deter her from following her ways. I had lost count… of the no. of times I had sent her to the Principals Office or the no. of times I had met her parents on grounds of her undisciplined ways and her disrespectful behavior. Every time I looked at her, I wondered why Corporal Punishment was barred from practice and why did I not have the authority to throw her out of this institution!
I guess, being born in a wealthy family always cushions a lot of your expulsion situations… esp. in an institution always in need of donations.
But; beyond all this intolerance, a part of me was attached to her. It was her name…”Aarshiya”. It was a name I had always wanted to adore my daughter with….”Aarshiya”!
My marriage wasn’t any dream wedding. To describe it honestly, would be referring to an epic play of eloping and consequent family drama. The beautiful ideas surrounding, “love forever” ..evolved from movies and novels and perfected by years of courtship; turned to ashes in the pit fire of reality…sooner than I could hold on to. While it all started with a financial commotion, the heavy burden of our unresolved sentiments drifted us further away as days went by. Society and its righteous members, in disguise of concerned relatives never missed an opportunity to add fuel to our volatile situation. Strange even if it may seem; they made one believe, that they were in possession of the knowledge of every consequence that could possibly result of our situation. Even ignorance gave up to their never failing resilience to educate us of corrective measures and then came a point when we believed in things they said. We grew weak…grew too tired to hold on to each other tight!
The time for ‘we’ was lost… It was only a ‘u’ or a ‘me’. Love was long forgotten..and the only thing that kept us talking, was a never ending game of, ’who is to blame’.
There were times, when we both missed the feeling of intimacy, but never understood why it became so difficult to even make an effort to come closer? From living under a roof as strangers…to living alone, life wasn’t yet done with its conspiring twist!
It was painful to see the apartment we furnished and painted in colors of love being packed and sent away, but it was a sheer mockery in front of the disloyalty he gifted me with. Yes, he had another woman in his life! Dreams were shattered, my heart was broken and I was left alone. The world never mentioned his adultery, just pointed at my inability to be a deserving wife.
He blamed me to be the reason for the marriage to fail; this incessant accuse made me believe in him. Now when I sit and think, I realize what a fool I had made out of myself. For months I had cried, silently tolerated the insults, all for what.. Love? I doubt it!! I had made a fool of myself, let myself be used… that’s a feeling that makes my soul drench in derogation.
Like my marital life, the divorce was equally an ugly experience. While Men in black and white darted questions, seeking answers beyond acceptable realms of marital boundaries; an audience witnessed the mockery of marital estrangement.
I promised to myself that in this life ‘love’ would be one thing I’d never feel for another man again!
Time had smoothened the pain to commodious level of ease, but the insanity of forlornness…craved for a Wight touch. There were times I was desperate, and then it all changed into a comfortable numb. At times I wondered if there were still any feelings left in me to emote, so I made myself bleed…to feel, something..that made me believe I was still alive!
My family and friends were distraught. I can’t blame them; there were moments when I believed living was just pointless!! There came a phase, when I wasn’t left alone even for a minute. A prodigal disquietude followed me, wherever I went. I was lost in a sea of a thousand peering eyes, watching every step that I took…it was hard to please anyone who became part of my life, either by their desire to add to my misery or my reluctance to ward them off!
The most surprising fact of life is, it will throw in a twist at the time when u prepare yourself to live and think otherwise!
What started with a coffee conversation, was brewing into a cogent bond lurking beyond the dominion of companionship. He was an old friend, settled on foreign shores. He was back and he made me happy. It was rough and edgy to begin with, but the feeling of being ‘cared’ seeped in imperceptibly. I was mirthful, chirpy as ever. The sun shone bright, the sky seemed ‘blue-r”, the clouds fluffier, the birds sang saliently…Everything made me exultant.
Our amorous escapades, was on an eminence. I was young again, happy and spirited…
But life had its own script to unfold.
Something had happened, and the precipitousness of the event was rather expansive than frightening. It was news I wanted to share with him before I meed-ed it with the world. I dialed his number numerous times… but my calls were left unanswered. He deserves to be the first to know this!
”In the meeting. Will call u back!”. “God damn it!”; stupid text.
The news was much copious than his board meeting and ‘business tour’.
“Let him be busy with his boring board room strategies!”
I was jubilant, and demanded a snuby pampering for myself. The luxuriant hours in the spa rejuvenated me beyond mere gratification! But I was still restless! I wanted to share it with friends, who were still close to me; so we met up for lunch.
I tried reaching him a couple of times via phone and text, but his non riposte put me to annoyance! In my heart, I believed that we were ready to take the next obvious step! There was no reason to doubt, his feelings. But, I couldn’t escape this growing fretful unease!!
Post lunch, the girls meandered back to their schedule. I decided to spend time at the nearby mall. I ambled across the shops, stopping at the expensive ones; reviewing the classiest the stores had to offer. I didn’t want to buy anything, still wanted to have the best today!
I was surprised to realize, how this afternoon wandering paused at the kids section. The section felt so different today, it felt so endemic…so heartwarming! The tiny socks, shoes and all the colorful little dresses…I wanted to buy them… buy all of them for my little girl.
“Aarshiya“ … I have cherished the name latently; for long.
My unbound joy suddenly hit a bump; I saw him at the distant aisle. He held a child in his arms. He was with another woman. It didn’t take much time to realize, who she was and the reason of her presence.
I never believed on this twist of my tale. I... should have realized, that it was only my fatuity that I had credulous in his words. I was blind, and now I was reeling under it! A thousand thoughts crossed my mind… the ‘why’s ‘, ‘how could he’ and so on. I wanted to smash his head, tell his wife about the real ‘he’, scream…shout! But the child in his arms, triggered my dominion. I knew I couldn’t punish the kid, for his/her father’s mistakes.
“Your child is beautiful!” a simple text that was erased instantly conveyed so little, but the irony was…all it did was; shroud a lot!
I never forgave him...never spoke to him. I wasn’t surprised at the Gradual disappearance of his calls and texts.
I remember the last words the Dr. said, ”Are you sure, this is what u want?”
I never wanted my Aarshiya to be a result of pure carnality. I could never allow that… how could I?
No limits of self abuse and punishment helped to wash this pain away. I knew I had to run away from the city. Run hard…run fast…run to a place; where no one knew me and I knew no faces. The toxicity of the city poisoned my sanity, and I fled!
The solace of these mountains calmed me. It took a while, for life to return to normalcy! But I am glad that it did.
I felt a little heaviness on my chest, and the moistened eyes needed to be wiped to resume the grading. I firmed myself back.
“ Taplai chai” (your tea!)… a young voice stood near my desk with a cup of tea! I had never seen him.
”Nani timro naam k ho?( what’s your name son?)
“ Mero naam Taashi ho!” (My name is Taashi)
“ Timi yaha k gardaichau?” (what are u doing here?)
“ Taplai chya dinu ko lagi.” (I have come to give u tea.)
“ Hmmmm….Timi kasko chora ho?” (Hmmm…who’s kid are u?)
“ Sabai ley bhancha malai nail ma pako harey!” (People say I am from the sewer!)…His last words ripped my heart apart!
He was a young lad, barely in the fifth year of existence. Draped in a make shift cardigan, which failed its promise to be a savior from the harshness of this cold; he stood coy! His looks were pale, but his eyes shined bright…there was so much, they could tell!
A touch of rare warmth filled me as I embraced him in my arms…he stood still, unmoved by this act of desolate kindness. I refused to let him go..
For I knew, for the first time…I held someone who would never leave me…I held someone, I could call my own!
Note: All characters and incidents in the story are fictional. Any resemblance to a person, living or dead; or incident is purely co-incidental.
