The Lonely Cove...

As I sit near the shore, looking at the sun go down

I think about u and pray that u be in town.

U stay just a thousand miles away….

Yet the heart knows, we have drifted far… far way!

I let u go and I don’t know why…I ask myself and the reasons just make me cry!

My empty heart needs your love...

But all I find is tears…Your words…killing me as I hide deep in my cove…

The man I kissed last night wasn’t you,

He said he liked me..but I knew his word’s weren’t true…

If I said the wine made me slip , would u still forgive me for this intoxicated chip!

I hate myself for waking up in another man’s bed….

i’m sorry…but I had to cut myself to know if my blood... still ran red!

I love u… but I don’t have the honor left to say…

Only...if I had kept conspiracies of this world at bay!

U hate me for reasons I gave u…

 And still u write to me ask’n ” how are u?”

I think to myself..if we could start all over again…

Please give me one chance...to take away your pain!

I have burnt everything you helped me built…

So when u call me n hear me shout…please understand it’s nothing more than... just my guilt!!

I Love U…and I wished I could say that…

So, I don’t call u…cause running away…is the only thing I’m good at !!  

PS: ...........! 

Excess Baggage..

Being a frequent flyer has its perk’s! Discount’s on airfares, membership privileges and a hell lot of other goodies which the carriers can squeeze in; but for me the best deal is still the executive lounge. Comfy sofa’s and good beverages! While the crowd can struggle to grab a seat in case of a delayed flight, a rather petite host would be there to greet you with a charming smile, escorting you to a seat in the reserved lounge!

Expensive suits, executive treatment, fancy lifestyle..yup, does turn on the green in the eye; but the reality check is…I live outta suitcase! Between checking in to five star hotels, airline counters and board meetings I tend to forget I have an apartment! Well, doesn’t really bother me much, cause I have adapted well to this life pattern! I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy this pattern! But, I was young then, and now its more of a routine than lifestyle!!

There’s practically a non significant queue in most of the check-in counters with a banner displaying “First Class” or “Executive” or such similar phrases. I waited for my turn as the lady in front of me checked her baggage!  It took a little more than the usual time for the executive to get her boarding pass! I was growing a tad impatient, and was ploughing with the idea of checking in with the next counter, but the queue of three people deterred me!

“Excuse me, Hi! I’m Irina ; I got a little excess baggage and these guys are charging me way too much; I was thinking if u could help me…u know get a little of my baggage tagged with u. You don’t seem to carry a lot!” …she was young, probably under 22…and I’m quite certain that her travel was sponsored by some show, which she might have won! What else explains a lot of her blue bags printed “Guess n win!!”.

People travelling first class generally travel light; and if they don’t, they never have a qualm about paying for the excess baggage charges not covered under the already extended allowance!

I was a little caught by surprise, but I did help her! She thanked me and heading away, remarked “you are a nice guy, your girl friends quite lucky!” The last part just didn’t make sense! “Girl friend??” It’s been 3 years since I had been deserted in the aisle and since then not really have had any female companion!

I was uncomfortable with her remark, but before I could say something she had headed beyond audible distance! I collected my boarding pass and enroute to the security check- in, memories of the past flashed in my head!  I was dumbstruck!

I Could feel the numbness climbing up my body…I froze! The same old questions and situations came haunting. I didn’t know what to do…I was over that episode. My CBST and other depression & behavioral therapies had made me fit to start my regular life! I was doing great, my professional graph steeped the All-Time-High mark and everything was at its best!

The present freeze baffled me! I wasn’t thinking about her or what she did…or about those moments we spent…the wrong she did…my turmoil…or even my battle for survival! It was a total black out!

 If, you are a fan of ‘Star Wars’ or ‘ Star Trek’ you can visualize the scene where Cpt. James Kirk instructs Pavel Chekov about “black hole” and your TV screen, shows u the related creative visualizations of the same! Yes, it was pure darkness and there was no escape from being sucked in!!...i stood there motionless!

The announcements, passengers, security guards no one registered in my brain! I was in a diff. dimension! Time ported to a diff. sphere…

“Sir! I’m sorry your flight is on schedule and u need to board immediately after security check…kindly proceed”…the voice of the Airline ground attendant  jolted me!

“Yes…thank you!”… a startled response; I moved to the security check point!

Good, that I never forget to keep my dosage of Prozac handy! Popped in a few pills and was ready!…. Ready? What was I ready for…or what was I doing? I motioned involuntarily to a very seemingly obvious course of action( boarding the flight!)…

I was feeling heavy,… weighed down; not under the influence of the sedatives,…. but reeling under the weight of this “ excess baggage” of emotions I have been carrying, I don’t recollect since when!

PS: It’s uncomforting  to realize that people and memories who/which had been so imp. once are now merely tagged under ” excess baggage”! Travel light…it seriously costs less.

In Reciprocity of my body.

I wanted to be alone tonight! Left to myself without any “is everything ok?” statements. I wanted to escape the rabble of bemused thoughts…I was in pain and I didn’t want the world to know! I had broken down today, and it was my fault!

I gave up the most wonderful thing and experience of my life for nothing. I was so stupid, people could  convince me into believing the facts of their pathetic  little derelict lives. Now the damage was done, and it could not be undone!

On this day, two years ago I called it quits! And coincidence had found the perfect reprisal!

He was an amazing guy..loved me more than even my folks did! He was there, every time I needed him and even when I didn’t! He was a free spirit, yet I was his home! And I loved him crazy. My friends and family never approved of his ways, but they never knew the person that he was! He was my Hero..quite the Romeo from the pages of a romantic novel! My friend, guide and crazy philosopher!

 I was growing no young…and my parents had their biggest obligation to fulfill…’my marriage’! They eventually won into convincing me, that ‘he’ was a wrong choice! We eventually parted ways! He didn’t fight, argue or even raise hell! For the first time I saw tears in his eyes as he left quietly. Been a long time since then, and I haven’t heard his voice! I had killed him and I knew it!

I had changed; in the name of ‘getting over’…I partied harder than ever before! Innumerable trips to tourist destinations reduced my Co. leaves and those extravagant  shopping spree had emptied my savings! Flings were emotionally painful and physically perfidious. I was a new ‘me’! I was fighting loneliness…but to be honest, it was my irrationality, my lack of courage to stand for what I believed I was at war with! …It was a crusade against my inner beliefs! I had convinced myself to believe that I was prerogative!

A bride is not left alone/unattended on the “most important night” of her life! People tried to calm me from this supposed ‘cold feet’ situation.  My fiancé would drop in a few notes of love, to ensure I was at ease! My parents have managed to hook a nice groom..well settled, with a hefty pay cheque! I guess that’s the first criterion for selection in an arranged marriage; rest of the things can fall in place when the most important criterion was met! This chaos of concern, joy, excitement and celebration of everyone present was  appalling. But this time I couldn’t run away!

My marriage was a grand celebration…everyone was happy! Yes, almost everyone…

…we returned to our suite! For the first time I was alone with this man who was now my husband! As the lights grew dim…I wondered to myself,” is this the retribution of social norm’s ?”... He came closer, and a drop of tear rolled down my cheeks!!

PS: No words this time…enjoy your drink guys! Cheers!!

Awakening of The Coloszus...

It wasn’t the quite usual night. I sat on a rubble of what could still be called my room! I sat there motionless, panting! Such carnage didn’t quite stir my conscience…what did was the thought “what have I become?”

It all started with the spirited glass of vodka being shattered against the wall! Soon , the bottle met its end!! The broken pieces of glass just added the right amount of fuel to the already volatile coctail of rage and intoxication. Everything at sight was at fault..and justice needed to be served! Why? Cause everything was the reason for the death of Aglaya!!

The steel clad “Dr.Clest¹” was the first to repay his dues..His dark lair was spawned with mines and evading them I meet his army. A strenuous battle and eventually...I conquered the forces. Breaking through his titanium vault…I was face to face with my sworn enemy. 

My power seemed diminutive against the might of this war-lord! The world shook from its roots.. denouement of death cradled fists and destruction was unknown…but I was not here to die! A surge of resilience and he was on the ground! Crumpled and agonized in pain…it was all over for the villain who had carefully nestled the master plan for destroying the world² ! I felt…the purpose was met, but no… the war was far from over!

“Bedetro²”…the most fearsome and dreaded of all.. was waiting for me. Tall, dark and impeccably attired…he’s might shuddered the most fearless!! A battle of epic proportions…and no one was done yet!

 I was tired!’ Mind control’.. was his most powerful weapon, and I was going weak against such force. I fell to the ground! He laughed…”that’s all u got, u piece of crap…Hahahaha..some super hero u are” I was losing; his power had grown monumentally  since his last escape from my death grip!

 Wounded, tattered… I rose to my feet! I made my final charge…spearheaded him to dust!  A volley of iron fists…the supreme lord of the Dark Side was dead! Game Over!! I had nothing left in me.

I returned to my Den. Everything was more than usually calm… I was tired, and my strength was limited to just pushing myself against my wall to rest! Before I could blink, I felt sharp iron edges ripping me! Shuriken’s…damn it! I was bleeding, and bleeding bad! The shine of his legendary sword reflecting in the moonlight, and I had more slits on my torso than lines on my palm!

 Aaah! “when I thought Chinese was just fast food..u had to deliver main course?”

 “Lee Rom³”  was in front of me! Lee was the supreme commander of the 25^th rank of the elite ninja squadron! His strength was his agility and stealth! He was more real and lethal than his master’s whom I had just killed! He would walk with u in your shadow and before u realize… u would have no head attached to your shoulders. He wanted death as his only revenge! If u have never encountered a ninja…believe it when I say..they are fast..faster than lightning! Or u can realize it when  you are dead! I don’t know where the kick came from but I flew and broke a table. Swoosh..swoosh..that’s all I heard before I could realize I was pinned to the ground with metal spikes!

 He appeared from the shadows! His eyes were bloodshot, and the only thing that seemed more daunting than him was his Katana. Pure steel crafted to thin blade of death; He meant revenge and I had little chances to survive if I wasn’t quick! He was savoring my slow death infused by poison!

“No last wish for you boy….” , he swayed his sword and I saw death in its shine! There, comes a moment when you struggle to survive and fight back even with that last drop of adrenaline that’s left … cause you don’t wanna die.. I closed my eyes and opened it to strike with my Laser vision!! It lasted only a moment… Lee was burnt to ashes, and his sword stuck to the ground against the tip!

 Blood, tears and burn…had taken its toll...but I survived the night!

“Very dramatic and imaginative but not so convincing Mr. Alexandrov. This,’ just out of the comic book’ story wouldn’t help you much with the law or your insurance coverage !.... The nurse will dress your wounds and give you your scheduled pills! “ I will make sure you have an extended stay this time..Alexy, you need to calm down!”…scribbling on her notepad, my psychiatrist, breathed a deep sigh! She was a dear friend, and she was worried..

It was the third time this month, I had to be rushed to the ER! I wanted to kill myself, but  had failed again…only this time it was a little over the edge. My dependency on alcohol had ripped apart my entire house, I had flamed things which were valuable to me once. The real hero of the day however was the team from 411…who rescued me from the debris!

It wasn’t my liking for vodka or my short temper…it all began with a phone call, which ended with her saying, ” ..please get over it!”

As I lay on the cot…I realized something’s different !  I Knew…I was not me anymore,,,I had become someone else…something else…I had become The Coloszus..the Monster !!

 PS: The story only tries to represent the violence and arrogance of a person who feels compelled to behave in such manner ,for reasons best known to him, in the analogy of a battle between a super hero and super villain’s. Saying that, the pain and the suffering he goes through cannot be rendered as unreal!

“Dr.Clest¹” ...metaphor to a closet; Pictures, gifts and so many memories carefully wrapped!
“Bedetro²” ...metaphor to a bed! Diff.sheets, but same old stories of passion and love! Make ups and moments.
“Lee Rom³”... metaphor to Letters!

Chemical Coctail. (My Chemical Romance…. Decoded!)

Let’s really check why a simple “boy meets girl in a bar” story sounded so confusing.

Considering, u have read the story.." My Chemical Romance"…lets throw in the analogy..

Let the bar be just a situation in life and the girl u met be an actual person. Here’s how the Chemical Coctail’s match up:

 Ø  ‘te-estorica¹

             an analogy to testosterone and estrogen

 Ø  ‘pheroie²’           
         an analogy to pheromones

 Ø  ‘ doserono³’      
           an analogy to dopamine,norepinephrine,and serotonin

               Ø  “The Tovasre⁴”  
               an analogy to oxytocin and vasopressin
  Ø  catecholamines⁵      
             hormones
  Ø  octopus⁶                    
            an analogy to Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy

Love is a mammalian drive just like hunger or thirst. The experience of love can be divided into three partly overlapping stages: lust, attraction, and attachment. Lust exposes people to others; romantic attraction encourages people to focus their energy on mating; and attachment involves tolerating the spouse (or indeed the child) long enough to rear a child into infancy.( Ref. Helen Fisher, a leading expert in the topic of love)

Lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating/ turning your kinky side on; and involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months.

 Attraction is the more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating, which develops out of lust as commitment to an individual mate forms. Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine,norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.

Damn! U start enjoying romantic flicks over Star Wars, and u happily miss the teams soccer game to escort your girl on her shopping spree!

Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding that promotes relationships lasting for many years and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests. It has been linked to higher levels of the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin to a greater degree than short-term relationships have. Enzo Emanuele and coworkers reported the protein molecule known as the nerve growth factor (NGF) has high levels when people first fall in love, but these return to previous levels after one year. Aaaaaaw..isn’t a beach side wedding the best thing to happen? Awww…look at those cute prams, would it not compliment our kid’s room?

( I’m choking out here!!! Guy’s stop such coochie-cooing! So much love in the air, no wonder the pollution level has stirred global concerns!!)

Learning the chemistry of love, lets see how a broken heart cope’s to his world coming to an end. Everything has an expiry date, so does love..right? Oh! Now I’m bad cause I’m the villain killing the ‘oh so cute love story?’…to hell with your dream bubble! People break up and marriages fail..and that’s the fact u can’t run away from! It’s more real than the superficial emotion called ‘Love’…glwaaak!!!!

OK! Peace! Refraining from personal ideologies; one has to admit that the modern/ present day heart -broken Romeo finds solace in glasses or bottles of alcohol. The stress induced is high! Anger, frustration and resentment are his only friends in the dark corner of his room. While the audio player repeats the never ending sequence of the same love songs, he seldom tries to hit it high with rock. All of this psychological reactions and environmental stressers, hits an out sync’d note in his body… high levels of Catecholamines reluctantly starts circulating. This indulgence shakes up the Central and Sympathetic Nervous System. What does that do?... well, it tells the body to release Norepinephrine as controlled as the pot heads head bang in a rock concert(..yup, uncontrollably)!  This directly results in one being admitted to the ICU and the Dr. nodding his head saying,” Son, u have been diagnosed with Takotsubo(Octopus Trap) Cardiomyopathy/ Transient Apical Balloning Syndrome!” 

…aaaah what?..it’s also called “ The Broken Heart Syndrome”!!!! If u are still wondering, if its fatal…ask your doctor …” Would Acute Heart Failure or a Ventricular rupture cause much pain?”

PS: Women please understand...your " I Can't be with you anymore..!" can actually kill us. Be sensitive, its less painful and in some cases less fatal! 

My Chemical Romance

If beer tops, all forms of alcohol or its derivatives, for you when deciding upon the drink from the bar menu; be rest assured that God has given you the wisdom to choose right. Actually it’s the most perfect choice! I could also add that it’s the best thing man has made for another man (condoms come second..true!). It’s a Friday late evening and while most of our married brother’s are compulsively  escorting their spouses to movie theatres or fine dining similarly brother’s entangled in romantic lialasion would be glued to their partner’s ;while  singleton’s like me prefer watch’n the latest game in their favorite bar sipping beer.

 Lager, Ale or the less common Lambic…whatever your taste, nothing beats beer! I love my lager, nice full bodied and slightly earthy.

So, I was munching on complimentary snacks and enjoying my beer, with deviated interest in the ongoing match when My casual glance anchored itself to a fine looking damsel sitting two seats beside me!

Wow she was pretty. Could be rated 7.5, overall! I didn’t intend to piss her off with a stare, so casually hovered my eyes to other areas in the pub! Well, she was attractive, and my eyes did want to see her more! Guy’s understand this, no matter how crafty u are at glancing…a desirable woman would make u look at her every now and then. She caught me admiring her! And her posture didn’t suggest that she was uncomfortable!

She was a new face! U see, one tends to recognize the crowd if he/ she’s a regular at a pub, and she wasn’t a frequent visitor!

I’m not stubborn around women, just a little hard to get kinds for them! The usual pick up mantra seldom fails, when u have practiced hard and mastered a few dimensions! So, we were having a good time. Our conversation had all the spices of being called ‘pleasant’! Humor added the right zing! She was enjoying my company! Guys, remember; women love to talk before they get between sheets! It gives them a chance to analyze us and remotely separate real deal from a*% h#$%*s! I would be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying my time with her! Very rarely would u meet chicks who satisfy your craving to talk sense. She was different from all those women, who by this time would only be rocking my carnal urges!

We had lost track of time…good times were rolling!

We decided to leave the usual and hit it hard with shots!

A few rounds of ‘te-estorica¹’ got our heads spinning and our hearts racing! Things seemed to go smooth, and she appreciated my expensive choice for ‘pheroie²’ ! My fingers would gently untangle her locks and she would express her liking with a shy smile. It was fascinating to be poked and Occasionally be bit on the neck. It heightened the ecstasy of the moment to newer levels. We were reeling under the influence of the ‘ doserono³’ …the in-house super popular  flaming coctail fountain! We hit the gas, and and hit it hard…absolute full throttle….no stopping in this expressway of intoxication! To, our surprise the house offered us their signature spirit… a classic which u just cant say no! “The Tovasre⁴”.

 We were drunk! Now, that’s an understatement(seriously!) Music, good company an chemical overflow..well they all mix up to say “ it’s the night!”

We were just wondering what suit to follow next, when the bar bell rang! The regulars hated it..it was the signal… “go home u drunk bastard’s and hoe’s”…yup, it was time for the bar to close.

Stepping out while Bidding adieu to Chief(the bartender), Sumba(head waitress) and a few acquaintances it just didn’t occur to me that she was gone. I mean she just disappeared. Did I do something wrong to tick her off? No, she wasn’t sloshed, puking in the loo or in the parking lot! She was no where. I asked around, and no one seemed to be in the right state to understand. She was gone…

When I gained senses, I was in the ICU. My friends explained how I ended up here! And the Doc added why I was here! U see guys, I really didn’t understand much..just bits and parts which said high levels of ethanol⁴…stress, anger, resentment…high levels of  catecholamines⁵ circulating in my system( what the hell does it even mean!)…and ultimately octopus⁶( what the hell..I didn’t eat no octopus, I would sue the pub owner’s for all this shit!). So, I’m here because my heart could have ruptured? Damn stupid nod doc!




PS: If the plot doesn't make sense, please read again and expand your horizon of imagination. Follow to check "My Chemical Romance....decoded"

The promise..

Has it ever occurred that a simple mathematical subtraction has made your logical reasoning go blank. Well, I understand doesn’t happen usually…but how difficult can it be to calculate a change of Rs. 10 for a packet of cigarettes, when u  paid a Rs. 100 bill!! I’m not stupid!! Now, let me throw a little light to the circumstance. Imagine, u just crossed a heavy traffic to hit the cigarette Vendor just round the corner and u receive a phone call.

A no. not updated in your phonebook; a voice long forgotten yet vividly etched deep in your brain that your ears can never, not recognize! Now my stupidity makes sense?

It was over 3 years now, and I haven’t heard her voice since then! It was surprising…the kind u just fail to classify. Good, pleasant, “why the f*@k are u calling!”, “oh..its u,ok!” …just can’t place it in the usual bracket. It’s like a cocktail of every opposite emotions, stirred and served in a shot glass to be gulped at one go!!

 Well, she had changed her no.; so that would explain why she never heard my frustrations.

I trembled, when I heard, “hello! How are u?”..froze to numbness as the temp. dropped below -25⁰ !I adhered to my courtesy protocol. The formal conversation made both feel at ease.

Does it happen generally that one’s hit by a bolt from the blue?

She was getting “married” to her boyfriend ! And I, out of everyone on her friend’s list was the best one to start off with the invitations? “Congratulations!”, that’s the best I could manage.

While she tried to squeeze the gist of the last 3yrs of her life in a nut shell, I just failed to register any word she spoke. Why did she still hang on to my phone no. ? And even if she did, why on earth would she call me only now and never even once along the time gone by? What sense does it make to call me to her wedding? Has she lost all her sense of reasoning or she just wants to make me feel even worse?

She sounded happy, and somehow I couldn’t muster the courage to disconnect the call! I couldn’t take it. I bled inside, her words felt like an assortment of a million sharp micro razors ripping my heart simultaneously! She had no clue, how or what I was feeling!

How can people be so mean, this unjustified and this clueless and above all so super selfish? I listened to everything she said, it made my eyes moist. I’m certain a couple of tears did manage to trickle down my cheeks. I was burning inside; wanted to run away…but I stood still. Not anymore; I was crying like a 2 year old kid who just lost his favorite toy but only silently. She went on and on..i couldn’t stop her from killing me more!

Wait, there’s something unusual! Did I hear her sobbing! Yes, she was… she had finally dropped her defense and super cool image! She burst out, didn’t even pretend that she was ok!

Took 3 years for her to understand what she had lost! I wasn’t just her boyfriend..but her best friend. A buddy she could always count on. Who never gave up on her, even when the odds stacked against her. Heard every stupid thing that the vodka spirited mind could invent. The dreams, the ambitions, the weirdest philosophies, life in whole… I was always there… and she missed me! She missed her best friend! She wanted to hold me close...  wanted me to tell her what to do…

 “ I am sorry, I’m so god damn sorry for everything. I missed u..missed you crazy..missed u a lot, these years have been crazy without you. I wished we didn’t have to go through all of this to understand you are so important to me! I have been bad to you, but you never let me down; I’m grateful to you for being there, for being such an important part of my life.. you have made me the person that I am today. I Love you man!”

The last part just transmitted 10k plus volts across me. I was dumbstruck!

She regained her defenses…”thank you for being my best friend! Thank you for everything! Thank you for today!”

Before hanging up she got my mailing address!

I couldn’t say more or emote any further… a certain degree of warmth helped me light up the dangling ciggy held between my lips! I had kept my promise…a promise that I would always be there… be there for her! No matter which dimension of relation I was in…I would be there!

PS: I guess not all promises are meant to be broken!

The Magic Carpet..

“ I’m really sorry love got low balance, before the call drop’s, I want u to know that I LOVE U and I’m gonna be there for you always. Good night…”

Most calls would end with similar words..but tonight was a little diff. The entire Talk time exhausted over an hour and half’s conversation. How.. ? A story! Yes, a story!!.. straight from the pages of Arabian Nights.

I was happy and I knew she was too. It made us happy to fly on a magic carpet… across vast ocean’s, between the clouds, a flight with birds. Enjoy the moonlight by the brook! The vast spread of Blue Trumpet Bush, Rain Lily Pink’s and flowers we never saw, put a smile on her lips. I loved her smile and it was more beautiful than the word could even describe.  Our eyes met..the moment  infused passion, so real..it brought us close..closer drew our lips…and then..

…the god damn bell had to ring! It was 6 in the morning and the milk man was at the door. Wow! Thank you, Mr. for dropping the curtains just at the time, when the drama had reached the peak of the story line!

 It was college romance, the usual story…boy sees girl, find ways to get noticed, a brief introduction.. coffee…conversations, dates and finally ..’yup we are a couple!’ . Now we live in diff. parts of the country, she is finding way’s to invest her savings and I’m struggling to prevent money from drying up before the 3^rd week of the month.

We were happy. The frustration of a long distance relationship never crippled our little world. It was hard but, we were madly in love with each other.

 Time flew, we got busier in our social and professional lives. Hours of telephonic conversation’s wrapped themselves up in few mins. “And what else…” was becoming the monologue of our chit-chats.

Was something wrong? I didn’t understand. Everything seemed usual, fine.. normal. But nothing was!

One fine evening She called me. “ I’m sorry, please forget me and if u can forgive me!” .  Before I could say a word the phone disconnected…its been years and her no. still doesn’t ring. I went hysterical, called friends…mine, hers and common one’s…no one had a clue what was the situation. Flew to her place, but she was gone. She had quit her job, vacated her apartment a week back..i never knew her folks place, tried to locate it. I could not find her. She just vanished into thin air.

Life seemed like an array of scenes straight from the pages of a bolly script. And quite rightly it was! I quit my job, started the no frill, pure liq. Diet( u got it right!), n my DTM ( Dad vich Teller Machine) with very insignificant portion of what I called my saving served as my passport to travel the length of the country. To visualize it better, imagine the classic ‘Devdas’ ; but this time in denims n faded t-shirts paired in converse . Don’t imagine striking looks, but unshaved face with dark circles and patchy skin. And instead of “Chandramukhi’s” magnificent  “ kotha” with the splendor of princely chandeliers, and bed sheets of silk and velvet…imagine night clubs with shiny disco balls and shady lodge rooms with no ,or at times dirty bed sheets. Please refrain from over imagining… present day sluts and satisfaction of carnal desires. I had lost interest in this life. So, no matter how much tight their dresses would stick to their curve or how lil’ effort their tops would take to less emphasize their bosom…I really didn’t give a f%*k !  

The only question which never seemed to lose track was “why?” …and it would be followed by a series of other “ why’s” and eventually they would inter twirl to perform the same old sequence. It was more than six months and my state had raised the emergency alarm. My folks were scared and worried. A broken rather smashed cell phone doesn’t serve as a good communication tool, so the only communication medium was the local phone booth.

A new drama unfolded in my family! Yes, it’s the oldest trick in the book and it still works! My mom had fallen seriously ill..previously I would blow the heat off such conversation, but this time I had to head back home.

It was more than 8 months I had been running away from reality. The reality, that she was  gone. I accepted the fact that she was not in love with me no more, hard it was to get it in my system…but I hated her. Hated everything we shared..dreams, words, emotions.. . I was a diff. man.

Took a couple of months to be a normal guy; and this time it wasn’t a character from the pages of a script. Time flew, and the scars healed. Life was diff. Yes I still thought about her, but the anger and pain was less! Much less !

It’s winter now, and our old rugs had faded quite a bit to make way for the new one’s. I hate shopping, but was convinced to pick up mom’s ordered rug from the emporium. It’s nice to see a shop full of colorful carpets , intricate designs and pattern…such hard work! I meet the manager of the shop, and provided him with the note of delivery. While I waited for him to pack the rug, I saw these two kids.

They looked cute in their pink floral cardigan and spider man inspired clothes. Hoping the entire shop they stopped at a corner. With vigilant eyes, they  checked if they were being observed. Seeking confirmation from self, they unrolled a carpet and sat on it. The cylindrical waste bin from the display, was used as a steering wheel. Sounds of a car engine were being imitated pretty well as they moved right and left, synchronizing with the turn of their make shift steering arrangement. I was curious to know what these lil rascals were upto. So, I moved to the captain of the transportation and asked him, “so… which car are u driving?”

The kid looked upto me with disinterest and said, ” It’s not a car! Can’t u see I’m taking my girl friend on a MAGIC CARPET ride!”




PS: Yes, i did pick up the carpet i came for!But i did collect a fragment of past that was lost in the ashes of time!

The Movie Ticket

Damn these kids, they always flock like a sheep herd near the ticket window. Age does take away patience at times, and innocent things seem rather annoying. Late 20’s.. One’s grown up enough not to agree to every fact of life but prove dominance over a situation! Still doesn’t make sense why these teen agers have to be so indecisive! One person can get the tickets for the entire herd…simple! If tickets not available, decide first for alternatives. But chaos Is the name of their game..

 Lady Luck does favor me at times… I managed to get a ticket to the latest Hollywood flick.

U see, a single guy doesn’t have many options if his clan of friends, colleagues decide to hit a pub than enjoy an evening of ‘no alcohol’ pleasure. So, the shows at 10:00hrs and I have 15 mins. To snack on some dinner.

Yes, its buzzing with people…all sorts, Young, old, men, women…but no singles. It sucks when you can’t find a table, or when people look at u quizzically. Yes, I’m alone on a Saturday watching a movie by myself, it’s no social stigma! Anyway, I happily ate my Sub and headed to the screen. Watch’n a movie is fun if you choose to ignore the deep frying of your brain in the constant jabber of a hundred mouths.

A tub of caramel popcorn, an aisle seat and I’m set for the movie. The theatre is jam packed, but the seat o n my right was vacant. Ok! May be the person will turn up in a while.

The movies nice good story line, excellent visual effects! Aah, I am parched. I go out to get a cola for myself, its empty only the guys at the food counter yapping to each other.

“ Excuse me! Can I use your phone…?” I was caught by surprise. A pretty girl with moist eyes! Seems like another case of being dumped in public. “ Sure”…?...what else did u guys expect, it’s a pretty girl asking for my phone.

She was sobbing, and I tried to stay clear but did hear her conversation. She was single, recently dumped and the guy’s getting married! Wooah… my story diff. gender, not bad!!

I really cant say how long her phone call went, but she thanked me and said her battery had run empty! She said nothing no more, and left.

I was in two minds..whether I should console her or just let it be! I decided to chuck it.

Ok, happens all the time..has happened with me and I’m sure has happened to a lot of hearts. No big deal… really? The moment just knocked down a cemented wall behind which was guarded my story of “Love Lost!”.

I was cold, thoughts of my girl haunted me. I wanted to run away, scream, shout…suddenly I was thrown in an arena to battle the swords of memories with bare hands. I didn’t know what to do …running away was a good option..but where? I stood there helplessly I don’t know for how long.. till the food vendor inquired if everything was all right. “Yes it’s all right, thank you…”

I didn’t return to my seat, but headed to the parking lot. Lighting up my cigarette something in the ash bin caught my attention. A ripped ticket. I still have no idea why I picked it up! But, I did…and it bore the no., of my next seat. That’s strange!

As I drove homewards, I thought about the girl in the theatre! I thought about my Girl.. maybe even she cares.. maybe she is not heartless after all.. but it still doesn’t justify why she did what she did!

As I unlocked my front door, I wished I had a reason to buy that “MOVIE Ticket”…I prayed to be in a situation to buy that “movie ticket”..

PS: It's lonely to watch movies alone.

I Love You..thats "Convenient"..!

I called u up last night..said,that "I Love U" ,
Silence and a deep sigh, thats all i heard!
No words followed...made me wonder is it you..
Yes, it was...technology doesn't falter...
U are just a thousand miles away...but how far have we drifted apart?
I sound stupid, you question the intent of my call...
I say, " I LOVE U!!!"..
Cause thats what i have known, felt and done...Loved u..
I'm human..i want to be loved when I Love u..but i guess i am asking for a lot..
Yes, its a modern world where the only right word is "Convenience"
..did you love me for "Convenience"...the short term happiness...was it all that u needed?
Every word, every emotion, every dream...was it all "Convenience"..
I pray its not true...but your silence makes me believe..the word is "Convenience" and not " LOVE"..
damn i'm stupid!
But what do i do..accept the fact and move on?
Yes i can run away, but there ain't no place for me to hide..
You are a part of me..where do i run away from myself?
Our phone call lasted 35 odd secs...you were sleepy!
Wow..thats all thats left?... time and words to be "Convenient" according to your new scheduler..?
I really don't know...why have i anchored myself to the shore, when u have set sail a long time ago...
I could be the watch tower...looking for your return or be the buoy hovering near the shore...
Why do u want me to be the rock? I don't want waves splashing against me no more...!
 Why...why...why...even questions seem to "Conveniently" tread a cyclic path of uncertainty...
I guess its my "Convenience" to still "Love" you...

PS: This just makes no sense!!!